Who Would You Rather Pork?

Today I am launching a new occasional feature called "Who Would You Rather Pork?" It doesn't matter what gender or sexual orientation you are—I need everyone to play this game and answer each question carefully and honestly, so that the results are scientifically accurate. You must answer every question, or this game will not work and I will punish you by never presenting you with this feature ever again. Are you ready? Let's put on our porking evaluation hats....